Although I try to keep my posts as positive as possible, I know transparency is of vital importance in benefitting anyone, especially me. So. . . here goes.
Today (written on Wednesday, January 24) was an all-out binge. I will probably put in my hand-written journal what it consisted of, but not here.
Yesterday was quite different. Felt like I walked in victory all day, thanking God for my lunch and asking him to help me stop when it was time—and He did. But. . . then I went out to Wal-Mart to kill some time before going to work and picked up ingredients for what is probably my current favorite binge. I did not binge yesterday, though.
The binge started today.
So, I guess the fail started yesterday at Wal-Mart and tonight as I sit here typing this, my stomach is about to bust out of the surrounding layer of adiposity—the large layer of adiposity; I am extremely uncomfortable physically. Because of this I am asking God, once again, to help me to turn and stating I will do my best to do so. My best in this area isn’t very good—that’s why His help is essential.
So does that mean I’m victorious since it only took me, what 29 hours from the fail to the repent. I do believe this is true repentance based on my current understanding of repentance. I’m not crying, I’m not deeply sorrowful, but I’m in enough physical pain to not want a repeat tomorrow. But at the same time, I’m scared it will happen anyway, no, probably not tomorrow, but perhaps as early as Friday.
I’m saving this until morning to post.
My plan is to rise an hour and a half earlier than necessary and spend the time with God, in prayer, Bible study, Bible reading, and meditation and to start memorizing Romans 8:5. Signing off 5:55 pm. . .
. . .
5:21 am Still in some physical pain due to the binge but of a different nature and not as intense. More like a 4 instead of the 7 it was last night.
And I caught a side glance of myself in form-fitting leggings in a full-length mirror as I walked past it. Not an auspicious beginning to my day. If I continued to walk in my flesh (sinful nature), I would be setting myself up for failure today. I cannot worry about tomorrow (Friday) because today has its own worries (Mathew 6:34)
But. . . I am still resolved to walk in the Spirit today. Yes, I saw my flesh in the mirror, but I will not be led by it. Interestingly, and so like God, my next verse to memorize in Romans is verse 5 which reads “Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit.”
Yesterday, I was dominated by the sinful nature. I thought about God from time to time, prayed several times throughout the day, and read about Him, but I was not controlled by the Holy Spirit. He is alive and well within me, but I chose to let the sinful nature be in control.
Today I choose to let Holy Spirit be in control. Thank you, Jesus, for sending Him as a comforter and guide. It is now 5:31 am.
7:27 pm Was I Spirit led or soul/flesh led today?
If I were to judge by my feelings, I would say the latter. I did not feel particularly spiritual or spiritually insightful. But, the Spirit was leading because there were no binges. None.
The Lord did it! (2 Samuel 5:20)